Lilikoi Heart

a helmet for my pillow

(no subject)
Jesus. It's almost a year since I was here. This is so weird. I guess I need to redecorate this place and stuff. 

onward and upwards
Tomorrow I'm finally leaving. Good lord. The day is coming so fast. Two weeks of intense military training on the airbase F17. Starting tomorrow at noon.  

I am so nervous I could probably roll myself into a ball and die, but I'm also very, very excited. I am well on my way to find out if this is something I wanna do. If this is right for me. And that is amazing, and so special. I feel like I'm taking great, big steps and that I'm making my own adventures. I don't think I've ever felt like this. 

Even if it isn't what I wanna do in the future, I will have succeded in one respect; I will have challenged myself. That's not a bad thing at all.

Ok, so cross your fingers for me and send me a thought over the next two weeks. I will try to update as soon as I am able. Hopefully with pictures and interesting tales from the life in a military tent. 

don't panic
Yesterday, I had a really, really great time. I haven't really been out enjoying myself in a really long time, and yesterday I went to a restaurant with my friend and her family. The food was beyond delicous, the restaurant fantastic and the company outstanding. 

I know I will crash later from the exhaustion and stress of the situation, but because I really enjoyed myself, I don't really mind. I can handle the aftermath when it catches up with me. Right now I just want to marvel in the fact that I got out of the house, didn't panic in the restaurant and got home alive. It's all because of Elisabeth, really, who is the sweetest and most understanding friend one can ever have.

Just to add to the stress there was a gigantic thunderstorm when I came home. It literary shook my walls so that bookshelfs started rattling. I held on to my dog like she was a life-boat. She didn't mind though, I swear. 

epiphanies and string shelves

This epiphany came to me after my string-shelf collapsed and I got about ten heavy books smack in my face; I really need to have my own place.

Don't get my wrong, I love my family (more than words can ever explain) and appreciate everything they do for me. And they do a lot. Currently my mom and dad pays for, right about, everything. I pay my own bills, but that's about it. I am 21 years old. How much they love me is overwhelming.

My insecurities have been holding me back my whole life, and that's the prime reason for me still living at home. It's comfortable and safe. The other reason is money. But these two things are intimately connected. 

A teen with SAD (Social Anxeiety Disorder) and GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) doesn't simply go out and get a job. You hide from the world, distance yourself. People who doesn't suffer from these disorders seldom get it; but it's hard as fuck to even get out through the door some days.

Imagine having an invisible ball-and-chain that you carry around with you all day. You're carrying it with you on the bus to school or to work, trying to juggle it while you rummage about for buss fair in your bag. It's heavy and uncomfortable. You're starting to sweat. It's so fucking heavy and you can't find your money. You imagine that the busdriver, hell, even the whole buss can see the ball-and-chain you carry around. You imagine that they can see how scared you are. You imagine that they think you are insane. You have an anxiety attack, can't breathe, you think you are going to die. And the ball-and-chain? It just get's heavier and heavier by the minute. 

Imagine this routine in every situation of your daily life; classroom, work, mall, grosery store, park, gymclass, hairdresser.

I'm not writing this so you should pity me, I'm writing so you might understand. I have suffered from these disorders all my life. My ball-and-chain will always be with me, only some days, it's not as heavy to carry around. 

Lately I have been feeling very well. Small amount of anxiety, always a smile on my face. I have even been working. It's like a whole new world for me! I am no longer confined in my bubble. And that's when I get to the "moving out" part.

I have outgrown my bubble. Home is safe, safest place on earth, but I don't really want safe anymore. I want new. I want adventure. I want investigation

Just like that string shelf, I have way too many hopes, dreams and desires in me. Pges of stories that needs to be experienced. There's not enough room. Everything is starting to overflow (and smack me in the face).

I have to go pick up my books now (the real ones, not the metaphorical ones) and put some ice to my head. I'm sure there are going to be bumps tomorrow. 

a round up; a list
Not so positive:
  • It appears I ate something very-not-good at the restaurant today (since I am puking and feel nauseous whenever I stand up/sit/move/breathe).
  •  I have not been working out since Monday last week. 
  • My ear lobe is infected and hurts like a mother fuuuu.
  • The weather sucks.

  • I now have the train tickets to the military course in my possession. 
  • My summer job is now officially over. Finally.
  • I found my entire Buffy-collection and can now continue my Buffathon. 
  • I felt kinda sexy today (pre-puking, of course).
  • I have diet coke. 
Seems like the positive is winning. Dear lord. 


the spoon theory
When I try to explain to people that I have a "disability" they often tell me that I don't look sick. True, I don't have a cast or a bruise or a bleeding gunshot wound to show, but that doesn't mean that I am ok and pain free. An lj friend, skylilies , linked to this wonderful text that really touched me and that everyone should read. You might understand a little better.

Please read it. 


vat 69 and chocolate cake

Today I was out thrifting with my family. It was really fun and I found some pieces of gold! I just want to live among all this wonderful things forever. I am to poor to take them all home. 

There was also some chocolate cake inolved...

It was an awesome day, that ended with some furniture-carrying to my sisters new house. I shall now drink some pepsi and watch Mr Darcy (for the bazilliont time). 


i speak nerd fluently
Sometimes I make really nerdy things. Like wands. 

This particular wand is made with a carving knife and a sandpaper, and is made of oak. I'm very pleased with the result, actually.


very late at night & in the morning light; nobody knows me at all



wooden staircases and equations
I have been very un-active here for the last couple of weeks. Hum. That clearly needs to stop since this LJ is very good for my mental health. Spilling my words onto screen is very nice. And the people who look at my blog makes me so happy I could die.

My sister and her husband are currently working like mad people to get the house ready. They plan to move in next weekend, and I have no doubts what-so-ever that they will be done until then. Today I helped paint the hallway and Rasmus (the husband) showed me how to putty. It was a learning experience. I think I did pretty well at the end, even though it looked messy (and he had to clean up after me). 


It's starting to look really light and fresh everywhere. Though the house was pretty to begin with, it needs a couple of layers of paint here and there. I am still jealous as fuck. I want it to be my house. But they deserve it so much, it's not even sane.

I am super psyched! One week left on my summer job and a month left to the military training course. Wow. Time moves fast now. I am glad my cold is gone and I have been able to work out again. Running goes smoothly, and so does swimming. The only thing that I have problems with is push-ups. My arms really suck. 

I'm going to go out in my garden now and lay in the sun for a while with a good book and a cup of coffee. I think I'll throw some forties music into the equation to make it perfect. 



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