This epiphany came to me after my string-shelf collapsed and I got about ten heavy books
smack in my face; I really need to have my own place.
Don't get my wrong, I love my family (more than words can ever explain) and appreciate everything they do for me. And they do a lot
. Currently my mom and dad pays for, right about, everything. I pay my own bills, but that's about it. I am 21 years old. How much they love me is overwhelming.
My insecurities have been holding me back my whole life, and that's the prime reason for me still living at home. It's comfortable and safe. The other reason is money. But these two things are intimately connected.
A teen with SAD (Social Anxeiety Disorder) and GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) doesn't simply go out and get a job. You hide from the world, distance yourself. People who doesn't suffer from these disorders seldom get it; but it's hard as fuck to even get out through the door some days.
Imagine having an invisible ball-and-chain that you carry around with you all day. You're carrying it with you on the bus to school or to work, trying to juggle it while you rummage about for buss fair in your bag. It's heavy and uncomfortable. You're starting to sweat. It's so fucking heavy and you can't find your money. You imagine that the busdriver, hell,
even the whole buss can see the ball-and-chain you carry around. You imagine that they can see how scared
you are. You imagine that they think you are insane. You have an anxiety attack, can't breathe, you think you are going to die. And the ball-and-chain? It just get's heavier and heavier by the minute.
Imagine this routine in every situation of your daily life; classroom, work, mall, grosery store, park, gymclass, hairdresser.
I'm not writing this so you should pity me, I'm writing so you might understand. I have suffered from these disorders all my life. My ball-and-chain will always be with me, only some days, it's not as heavy to carry around.
Lately I have been feeling very well. Small amount of anxiety, always a smile on my face. I have even been working. It's like a whole new world for me! I am no longer confined in my bubble. And that's when I get to the "moving out" part.
I have outgrown my bubble. Home is safe, safest place on earth, but I don't really want safe anymore. I want new
. I want adventure
. I want investigation
Just like that string shelf, I have way too many hopes, dreams and desires in me. Pges of stories that needs to be experienced. There's not enough room. Everything is starting to overflow (and smack me in the face).
I have to go pick up my books now (the real ones, not the metaphorical ones) and put some ice to my head. I'm sure there are going to be bumps tomorrow.